Walking up the hill backwards

It’s been a long time since I wrote and so much has happened. Sometimes I feel like I’m a stranger looking in on my life and wondering where it’s going. The books say people get depressed and struggle with trying to deal with two life changing events in their lives. Right now I have five all running simultaneously. I feel like I’ve lost control and just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping I’m going in the right direction. I’m usually a really positive person but right now I’m struggling with feelings of failure and inadequacy. I don’t regret my decision to leave my husband and file for divorce. That was something I should of done a long time ago. But, then I was in a motorcycle accident and broke my back. So, now I have a serious injury, no way to work. Not knowing if I’ll be physically able to do my job ever again and not knowing when my next money is coming from. Today I also filed my bankruptcy papers. More humiliation to pile on my shoulders . But since I have no money and no way to pay anything then I have no other options. A former family friend when they heard of my demise a few days ago wrote and told me I was just getting what I deserve and karma is a bitch. Well actually they said a lot more than that and none of it nice. It didn’t help that a few hours later K tells me he’s talking to a woman and wants to get together for a three some. Normally I would love to. But, right now I physically can’t. So, then I get upset with him for making me feel like I’m totally useless and inadequate in bed. Then I start thinking he’s probably only with me because he feels responsible for me after the accident. So, then I start thinking I should probably leave and let him get on with his life and stop being a burden. A dramatic response I know but I wasn’t thinking so rational at the time. It just felt at the time the one person I thought I could depend on was deserting me too. More karma to stuff down my throat. I’ve also decided to move in with K. I gave my months notice yesterday to my landlord. Your probably wondering why after my response the other day. Well we did talk about it. Or rather he had to force it out of me. If I’m upset or hurt I retreat internally to my safe place. Something I learnt to do as a child so I wouldn’t give my mother the satisfaction of knowing she was hurting me. However as an adult it also makes it hard for me to tell people they are hurting me. But after our chat I feel confident he loves me and isn’t with me because he feels guilty. I’ve decided to trust he won’t hurt me and move in with him. So, now it’s back to putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my fingers crossed that I’m going where I’m supposed to be. 

A Grizzly Kinda Day

                                                                     On my day off I decided to take a picnic and go to the zoo. I love animals, walking and sunshine. So, what an ideal opportunity to combine them all. I decided to purchase a season pass since I live close by and I’m sure I’ll want to go again. They have a new Meerkat display so I headed there first. 

                                                                    As I walked around I spotted a sign giving an interesting Native American story about the White Buffalo Calf.      

   After a couple of hours looking at the animals I decided to eat my picnic and read my book. I found a nice shady spot in the meditation Garden. I spent a lovely quiet time there reading, not bothered by other people and not been squawked at by the geese.

Hell On Earth

                                                                            I knew it was too good to last. Things were going really well until today. The ex’s sister and her husband arrived for a visit. I didn’t want to visit with her but I agreed to go see her since she was here on holiday. That went really well. It felt like i was being attacked by a pack of wolves. I don’t know nor care what he had told them. But, I endured two hours of being told I was selfish, stupid, needed sense being knocked in my head. Then being told I should smarten up and get back home and stop acting like a martyr. I was then purely responsible for wrecking the family, spoiling her holiday and not thinking of anyone but myself. I basically left feeling like shit and thinking they were probably right. Then I spent the rest of the day crying and thinking I’d be better off dead if all I’m doing is wrecking everyone’s lives.  
  

Mystical Tree

                                                              Many faces carved into a tree, Their personalities vibrant for all to see. A face at a window , looking out at the world, watching and waiting for the  world to unfold. A secret door invites you in , enter the twilight zone they say with a grin. Who will dare to venture inside, one hand shoots up and says me with their deep luminescent eyes.   - Poem wrote by Me.     

Born To Be Wild

                                                                    So, I went on my first ever road trip on a motorcycle. I loved it, it was so much fun. We set off and it was really windy, but I feel really safe sat behind K. He’s a good rider. We made a pit stop at a biker bar at a small town for a drink. It was a hot day so it was nice to take the leathers off and cool down. It still surprises me how people look at you different in the leathers. When really it’s just clothes to keep you protected. I’m fairly certain I don’t really look intimidating in a leather jacket and I look more like Darth Vader with my helmet on. Anyway after some refreshments we take off again. Our next stop was at a place called St Louis. It has a historic bridge and some interesting historical information down by the river. I read all the information about the different crossings and places of historical importance and decided at some point in the future I need to go check this stuff out. Some pics of St Louis.     



    After leaving St Louis we continued all the way to our destination Waskesiu Lake in Prince Albert National Park. Such a beautiful place even with ice still being on the lake. K took the scenic route to get there in the hopes of seeing wildlife. But, we only saw deer and grouse. He did point out some hiking trails he likes and since I love hiking I’m hoping we can return sometime and walk them. My first view of the lake took my breath away it was so beautiful. It’s very hard to capture its beauty in a picture. The warm sun reflecting off the ice , the birds singing and the peaceful quietness. We stopped at a lakeside bar for more refreshments and sat out on the deck overlooking the lake. We then rode a little farther and unloaded our picnic supper which K then cooked. Ribeye steak, baby potatoes, salad and peas. I didn’t realize I was so hungry until I could smell the steak cooking. That I must admit was a spectacular steak and it was wonderful eating it on a picnic table by the lake. We had a walk around after and I took some pictures before we headed home. 

Sunshine After The Rain

                                                           Friday night I went to yet another concert. No I won’t normally attend that many concerts in a week. It’s just the way it’s happened. This time it was Bill Bourne at Village Guitar and Amp. It was a perfect venue very nice and cozy. He was billed as blues but I found him more folk. Fabulous voice though and I did enjoy it.

Kaleidoscope Day

                                                                            I had a packed day yesterday. My daughter, son and granddaughter met me after work and we went to this Korean dessert restaurant by my work. I had a Mango Bingsoo. It was so delicious but so big I could hardly finish it. It was a good opportunity for us to talk and for me to bond with my son who hadn’t taken the break up well.                                                                              In the evening I went I went to see Harry Manx in concert. I really enjoyed it. He blends Eastern and Western music. He’s also a very amusing guy and I enjoyed his banter between the songs. I did go to the show with K but we had seats in different sections. So, I didn’t see him until after the show. They did have a half time intermission but since he didn’t bother to come look for me or text me I stayed where I was. I wasn’t familiar with the theatre and no one told me they had a bar. So, he’d gone to the bar and had drinks with his friends and forgotten about me. Asshole lol. I wasn’t bored however I was texting with a guy I knew in the audience. He saw me sat alone and presumed I had come alone. So we had a chat. Nothing better for a girls ego than to have a guy you haven’t seen in years tell you that you look beautiful and hot. Even though you know it’s just Spiel to get you naked in his bed .

One Day At A Time

                                                                       So, it’s now been three weeks since I moved out. Positive things are I’m sleeping better than I have in years. I feel relaxed and happy. I can make my own decisions and plans. Negative things are not having any cable or internet. Not having much money. Tiredness from working three jobs. Overall I think positive overcomes negative though. I haven’t once thought I made a bad decision moving out. As all my blog readers know this was six months in the making. So I’d thought long and hard about this.  It does however leave your life in limbo. Right now I feel like I’m living day to day . I would eventually though like to make more long term decisions. Although that being said I don’t know what I want anyway.           

Hands High

                                                                 Last night I went with K to see the Steve Dawson traveling show it was really good. My favourite was Steve Marriner the lead singer of Canadian blues band Monkey Junk. He was just incredible on the harmonica it gave me chills. I actually downloaded a couple of their songs onto my Spotify playlist earlier this morning. There was a wonderful Canadian blues singer as well called Ndidi Onokwulu she has an amazing voice. K is certainly in love with her. Beautiful lady with a beautiful voice.               


                       Earlier in the day yesterday I’d had a much needed catch up phone call with db. I told him I was going to give up one of my jobs and look for another one. The one I’m currently doing is consuming too much time and intruding on my social life. I also caught him up to date with what has been happening in my life. It’s so easy to tell db everything, he’s been a constant in my life for nearly 20 years and has been with me through all my trials and tribulations. Its a good feeling to know you always have a friend in your corner.   

I Want To Snuggle And Be Wrapped Up In Your Arms

            Yesterday was a busy day. I had to deal with a psychotic patient who should of been sent for assessment yesterday but our inefficient, inexperienced manager didn’t do it. So, since I was in charge yesterday once she started with her paranoia I sent her to the hospital. That relived a lot of stress for both the staff and other patients since we are not equipped to deal with her condition. She was accusing the other patients of stealing her hearing aids and glasses even though she was wearing them. Hopefully the hospital can get her onto medication and place her in a facility that is equipped to care for her.         

                                                                After work I decided to take a break from my other job which is physically exhausting. Instead I went with K to a music jam. I have met a few of K’s friends and they are very nice people. The Jam was very good I really enjoyed it. After the Jam we went to an Asian restaurant a block away to eat. We went back to his place after and ended up having an early night. I think I actually needed the sleep. I slept amazingly well, I wasn’t sure how I would feel sharing my bed with someone since I’ve spent years sleeping alone. But, I enjoy the warmth and closeness of another body close to me.      

Go Find Your Soul In The Wind

                                                            Friday evening K took me out for a ride on his motorcycle to the casino about 20 minutes out of the city. He found me a leather jacket and helmet and I was all nice and toasty. I thought I might be a little scared but I felt really safe sat behind him. I think it’s more of a scary experience for him getting in a car with me. I’d forgotten what an exhilarating experience it is ,since other than a ride around the block it’s many years since I’ve been on a motorcycle. I do however need to get my hair tucked in and put on sunglasses since all I could see was hair and the wind in my eyes was strong and hard to keep them open. We went in the casino and he treated me to a delicious supper, before we headed back to the city 

I Did It

                                                                      So much has happened where do I begin. I actually followed through and moved out. It was very traumatic and I felt dazed like I was in a car accident for a few days after. My special friend K was like a rock for me. Helping me, taking care of me . I honestly don’t think I could of done it without his help. Now I’m feeling more settled  and finally feeling happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long, long time. My only real concern is financial. Until a divorce is finalized I’m forced to be working a 12 hour day everyday of the week. So, I’m physically exhausted and lacking in time to keep up with my social activities.

I Am A Warrior

                                                                  The past few days have been a whirlwind. My granddaughter decided that she couldn’t wait any longer to be born and came early. Completely throwing all my plans into turmoil. She is absolutely gorgeous. So, beautiful with dark hair and very strong. Her paternal grandparents are Hungarian and she seems to of inherited their looks. But, I think she’s going to be smart and get that from me. The only thing that has spoilt the past few days has been Doomsayer. He did come to the hospital once to see the baby but it culminated in a very heated argument between us which nearly ended in a physical altercation in the parking lot. Luckily my son got between us and told him to leave. I’ve been away for a week and it’s been blissful. It really has reinforced my need to leave. Doomsayer keeps phoning me several times a day wanting to know if I plan to come back. If I don’t answer he leaves these weird sinister messages on my voicemail. I want to say no I’m staying here. But, I can’t I need to stick to my plan. I’m practically ready to leave. My certificate for the course I did has turned up. So, now I can update my resume and apply for casual work. Once I secure some extra work I can look for a place to live. I will have to consider some extra things I realize after being away a week. I’m 99% certain Doomsayer is going to verbally harass me and most probably stalk me after I’ve left. He’s been acting so childish while I’m away threatening not to buy the cat food, saying if I want someone to feed her I’d better come home. Then emptying a jug of milk down the drain because my sons were drinking it. He says if they want milk then they should buy it. Sunday and Monday he was really bad he was so abusive on the phone. I’m thinking what have I done to deserve this. I realize it’s the drink talking but honestly it doesn’t help. He may forget what he says to me but I can’t. So, today is the day I head home and face the music. I’m honestly a little afraid I have that horrible sick feeling in my stomach. But, im now a warrior and I have the courage to confront my foe and escape his control. I’m an independent free spirit. Soon to become a extremely happy poor free person. Onwards and upwards.                                                   

Valentines

Why do people just presume I’ll just be okay with things. To be honest I’m fed up with people just presuming they know me. They wonder why I get angry, then try to make me feel bad because I have an opinion. It seems sometimes they forget im a human with feelings . It’s just Anna no big deal. Well not any more . I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I want in my life. Yes putting me first for a change. An acquaintance of mine in a similar situation to me left her husband in the summer. I’m watching and admiring from afar at her journey. She’s gone from looking frumpy, tired and sad to vibrant, happy and gorgeous. She’s struggled, but has made a new life. Then today Valentines Day she announces she’s in a relationship. He wrote the most amazing poem on her FB page.                                             

I spent the day secretly trolling their public FB interactions. I smiled at their playful romantic banter, got teary eyed at his sweet proclamations of love and felt myself jealous that I didn’t even get a card. Not that I’ve had a Valentines Card in over 30 years and I imagine if before I die I ever want flowers I’ll have to send them to myself . I’m proud and happy for her and she totally deserves this wonderful new life. It made me realize that I want what she has. I want a wonderful new life with a man who loves me like that. I deserve to be a special person in someone’s life.        

Learn From Your Past Mistakes

                                                                      This morning I had a meeting with my counsellor. This meeting went in a different direction. Today the focus was on me. What do I need from a relationship. Why do I end relationships. Over the past 15 years I’ve had a number of relationships running parallel to my marriage. Some have been short term lasting a few months. Others more serious lasting years. My focus was to concentrate on the ones that lasted more than 6months. I do know I’m a people pleaser and I love to see people happy. Which in turn means I put my needs to the side. However that usually results in me eventually feeling I’m being used and neglected. If I feel I’m being neglected physically and emotionally, then I don’t feel cared for. This usually results in me starting to look for someone else to fill the void. Most of the time the guy im seeing has no idea I was dissatisfied with how things were and is never given the opportunity to try to fix things. Once my heart has informed my brain it’s over. Then it’s done. I don’t do second chances. They never work. I’ve at least learnt my lesson from my marriage on that score.  My last relationship before my current special friend ended for that exact reason. He had wanted to try swinging. Which is fine with me I don’t mind that. However the downside to that was that there was very little time for us. I felt like I was neglected since there was never any special time for me. His focus was never on me. So, I started seeing another guy. I told him after the fact I was seeing someone else and he was hurt. This resulted in a huge fight and he ended it. He apologized 4 days later, but it was too late. My heart had disengaged and my head taken over and I knew it was time to move on. I ended it with the other guy too and decided to start afresh. So, as my counsellor has pointed out my focus has to be in moving on to learn to express to a partner my needs. To make them aware I need verbal affirmation they care about me and that I need to be made to feel special so I can learn to push aside the feelings of being unwanted and unloved which stem from my childhood. Otherwise I’m likely to get myself into another abusive relationship. My heart mistaking controlling behaviour for love. I don’t think I’m likely to do that but I do realize that it’s a risk.

Oh What A Night

                                                                     Oh what a night. I’m still a little traumatized. I’m still smiling in work but I’m quiet. Everyone keeps asking me what’s wrong and I say im just tired. What happened last night was Doomsayer got angry really angry. He was really drunk and I stood up to him but I was really afraid. He’s been really nice to me the past few days. Not normal behaviour for him. So, I’d been trying to figure out what his angle was. Anyway I was in the kitchen last night and he starts trying to touch me, so I just moved away. Then he asks if I want to dress in stockings and a thong and he could give me a massage. I said no thank you. We haven’t had sex or slept in the same bed for 2years. Then he just exploded . I had my back against the kitchen counter and he had his hands on the counter either side of me so I couldn’t move. He just let rip with a torrent of abuse. His face was so close to mine I could feel his breath and spit on my face. I could feel my hands shaking and I was biting my inside lip trying not to cry. But, I managed to keep my outer composure and told him to take his hands off me.  He moved away and went to pour himself a drink and I took the opportunity to go lock myself in the bathroom. I sat on the floor in the bathroom with my face in a towel . Using the towel to both muffle my crying and to breath into to steady my breathing.  Once I felt calm I left the bathroom and went into the living room and sat on the sofa he was sat on the other. He never spoke to me but I could hear him muttering to himself calling me a fucking bitch. I forced myself to sit there for an hour I don’t want him to think I’m afraid of him. Lying in bed later all this stuff is going through my head. Why didn’t I knee him in the balls or try to headbutt him. But, that was all after thoughts and in reality I’m not into physical confrontation.

My Journey Through Life

                                                                    The title of my post will have special meaning to db .                                                                 I have been pondering on a few things of late. I’m wondering how many friends I will have left once I finally leave my husband.I wonder how many are true friends who will be there for me and how many will use the opportunity to gossip and tear me to pieces behind my back. I don’t feel it necessary to defend any of my choices over the past few years. I have made them to get through life and to have some happiness. But, moving onto the next stage of my life I want to be true to who I am. I don’t want to hide who I am. So, if on this train ride called life people want to disembark when I proceed to my next journey that’s all good. I’m making this decision for me,  if I have to do it alone then I can do it. With the help of my counsellor I’ve   rediscovered my inner strength. I only want people in my life who love and care about me. A couple of things the counsellor has taught me I have been using mentally on a daily basis. Someone will be mad at you if you do or don’t do something. So, just do what you want.                                                             Your decisions are only for today. Tomorrow you can change your mind. So, you can choose to be in a situation today and tomorrow choose to leave it. 

New Year, New Me

                                                                    Happy New Year, Happy New Me. I’m happy to say im still here and gaining in strength and confidence. New Years Eve I went to an evening wedding with Doomsayer. It was his friends wedding not mine. He got extremely drunk. So, drunk in fact he passed out on the floor just after the speeches and before the meal. I had to get help to carry him to the car. I couldn’t get the seatbelt on him. So , I gave up and drove home with it off. I managed to get him into the house and left him at the bottom of the stairs while I went to put my things on the table upstairs. In the meantime he tried to walk upstairs and fell backwards  down the stairs breaking a small table and picture. My son heard the crash and came upstairs. I was debating if I should call an ambulance. But, my son who luckily is a big strong guy, lifted him up and threw him over his shoulder and carried him up to his room. I helped him undress him and we put him to bed. It was now 10pm. So, thinking why should I spend yet another New Years Eve alone . So, I sent a text to my special friend to see if he wanted company. I figured if he was busy I’d go back to the wedding. I definitely was not going to sit there alone. This is the start of my New Year, New me and I wanted to start it as I plan to go on having fun. As luck would have it my special friend was home alone so I went over and spent the evening with him. I was really tired the next day since I only got 2 hours sleep before work. But, I was feeling very warm and floaty after a lovely night with him. So, that carried me threw the day.