I Am Strong

The only time you'll see me with my head down is to admire my shoes.

I'm a strong independent woman. I've never had anyone to take care of me. Even as a small child I had to fend for myself. So, I learnt the only person you can truly rely on is yourself . I often find myself taking the role of nurturer, protector, carer. I tend to see it as my job to take care of everyone else. Sometimes people think I'm bossy, I think it's more a case of taking control of a situation. I'm a very honest, straight talking person ( except for one aspect of my life which requires some dishonesty. Not something I'm proud of. But a necessary evil ).  A few months ago I was asked to do the Myers - Briggs personality assessment test as part of a job . My results came back as ENFJ ( The Protagonist). Wow it was an amazingly accurate example of me. 

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My Results

Evil preys on the weak because it fears the strong 

The Future Lies Before You

 

The future lies before you, like a field of fallen snow. Be careful how you tread it , for every step will show.

Yesterday I had a more successful attempt at some relaxation. I booked myself in for a spa day. I turned my phone off so I couldn't be disturbed

The day began with a nice soothing aromatherapy massage. It felt so relaxing and I could smell lavender wafting in the air. Lavender is one of my favourite smells and I often sprinkle some on my pillow before bed. By the end I'd drifted off to daydream about something much more interesting than real life and was disappointed when she abruptly stopped. I followed that with some Reiki done with healing stones. I didn't feel anything as she started with my head then moved down. However once she started placing them on my lower abdominal area I could feel a warmth. It was very soothing. That's the area I'd been having pain in and I'm still taking painkillers. I didn't realize until this morning that I hadn't needed painkillers for the rest of yesterday nor this morning.  My next treatment was a facial and non invasive face lifting massage. I admit to being very sceptical about the massage. She starts pulling all the skin to the side and it feels likes she's kneading it. When she got to my neck I thought it must resemble a turkeys all the flab she kept pulling and pulling at.  I must admit though the results were amazing. She said it should last a couple of weeks. I'm already wondering if I could afford to add a session every couple of weeks into my tight budget. 

 I then had a break and they provided a light salad lunch.  My afternoon was devoted to a complete overhaul of my hair. New cut, new colour I love it. So, overall I had a wonderful day thanks to my kids who had bought me the spa day for my birthday

Sing No Sad Song

 

 

When I am dead , my dearest. Sing no sad songs for me ; Plant no roses at my head, nor shady Cypress tree : Be the green grass above me with showers and dewdrops wet; And if thou wilt, remember and if thou wilt forget.

I shall not see the shadows, I shall not feel the rain; I shall not hear the nightingale sing on, as if in pain: And dreaming throughout the twilight that does not rise nor set , haply I may remember. And haply may forget.

My recent illness was like a slap in the face. God saying Anna take advantage of every day you don't know how many you have left. I realized there are people in my life who are important to me. They each have a special place in my heart for their unique contribution. I also realized I had probably never told these people that their being in my life brings joy to me. I started with the most important people in my life my children. No matter what happens in my life they will always come first. Then I moved on to  relatives and finally friends. Some people actually thought I was drunk.  Others I think thought I had a hidden agenda. I found it a little sad that times had changed to the degree that we can't tell people we care about them without them thinking we want something in return.

 It was also a time to get rid of the parasites in my life. Those people who are only around when they want something. All they do is drain my positive energy and more often my bank account. They know im a kind person who would give a stranger the last penny I had if I thought they needed it more than me. But , I'm also a smart woman and I know they are lying to me . I have just chosen not to call them out on it and hope they don't treat all their other so called friends that way

She is strong, but not in the ways most people think. She loves more than she'll ever get back and she knows it yet she loves anyway - J Storm.

The World Is Full Of Weeping

 

Come away, O human child. To the waters and the wild with a fairy, hand in hand. For the worlds more full of weeping than you can understand - William Butler Yeats.                                  


Saturday was one of those days where I needed to pray to god to give me strength and patience days.

 It was an exceptionally busy day at work and one of the staff working with me is very slow and needs reassurance all the time she's doing things right. A couple of other staff members snapped at her and I could see she was on the verge of tears. So, I took a deep breath and showed her yet again how to do something. I figured calming the storm would maybe help the day flow better which it did somewhat .

After work I had another bright idea. I decided to go to Costco even though my body was crying for a rest.. It was so busy it just pushed my stress level up even higher. Then I got home and discovered hubby was on a roll. He had boiled 2 dozen eggs for ive no idea what. My son said he'd boiled them for an hour. Thankfully he had kept adding water to the pot. Then I said I was going to BBQ. He decides he wants to do it.  It took him an hour to take the cover off and light the BBQ because he kept forgetting what he was going to do. Then he cuts the fat off a beef roast in the fridge to put on the BBQ and I had to hand him burgers to put on. By this time I'm physically and mentally exhausted and thinking I should of just phoned for take out.

My son gets fed up of waiting and goes out to buy Mcdonalds. Which then results in my hubby having a tantrum and sitting on the grass outside saying he's never cooking again. The burgers were burnt beyond recognition so my supper ended up being a sandwich since I was past caring about food by then.  Hubby finally came in refused to eat any food then ranted at me for not taking his side saying I was a f**cking bitch . I honestly have no clue what he's talking about nobody said a word to him. He saw my son eating McDonald's that's what started the tantrum but they never spoke to each other. I decided just to apologize since arguing is fruitless. I put a movie on Netflix and about 5 minutes later he fell asleep on the sofa. He was still asleep after the movie so I went for a bath. I use my time in the bath to cry. I get down sometimes and just wish I had someone to share my problems with. I know they can't be fixed I would just like a hug sometimes and be told your doing a great job keeping everything together. However I'm a very private person that doesn't often share personal things with people who know me. The exception it seems being  my blog readers

. So instead i go to bed put on my headphones and forget the world.

The World's A Stage

All the world's a stage. And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and entrances. And one man in his time plays many parts. - William Shakespeare
.
It's 5.30am and I'm sat here sipping on a cup of chocolate macaroon tea contemplating my life. Okay I'm really browsing my Facebook feed. One post proclaims Genghis Khan fathered 2,000 children, one of his sons 40 , and his grandson Kublai tried to get 30 virgins a year pregnant. Resulting in today there being 16 million descendants from the great Mongol leadier. Genghis Khan was one of my childhood heroes. I spent many hours in the library reading books about him and the Mongol empire he created. Such a enagmatic character a powerful leader and a forward thinking man who unified tribes, encouraged religious tolerance and expanded trade along the Silk Road. Maybe some of today's leaders should take note of what it takes to be a truly great leader . I would be ecstatic to be one of his descendants. But, I think that is unlikely. My ancestry is from Ireland and Spain so I don't think any Mongols made it there .


                                        Biopsy results are in.
 Funny how my mind works sometimes. I started the day contemplating the possibility of being a descendant of Genghis and it seems yet again genetics have played a part in my recent illness. On a positive note I've avoided a reoccurrence of the big C. It seems instead I have yet again another autoimmune disease. Just add it to my collection. It's not curable but manageable with medication and an even more restrictive diet. So, as I look forward I know food is to keep me alive it's not my life. Even better I can still have chocolate, wine and rum. So, long as I can still have those life is good.   

                                                                        

The Woods Are Lovely

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep -Robert Frost.

A few years ago I went white water rafting. I wasn't sure if I'd like it, but I was excited to try. My knuckles were white from gripping the side so hard as we approached the first rapid. But, wow what an exhilarating rush. I found myself wishing the rapids were bigger and stronger.
We stopped midway for a picnic lunch and it was so tranquil.The area was not accessible by foot and  it felt serene to be part of the experience. As I ate my lunch I watched an eagle flying above and watched a black bear and its cub upstream fishing. I felt so blessed to of experienced this.
The afternoon rapids were bigger and stronger. So, I got what I wished for. My butt however suffered the consequences the next day for being bounced up and down for hours.

Today I attempted to have a couple of hours relaxation and Anna time. I went to the beauty salon to have a manicure and pedicure. Its my day off and my boss phones me not once, not twice, but four times. That's what I get for getting my phone fixed. I haven't been able to access anything on it for four days after an update glitch. Maybe getting rid of the phone is the answer to rest and relaxation.

Advice of the day. Do not take a Diuretic before going to bed.
I thought my ankles were a bit puffy last night. So, I had a brainstorm to take a diuretic to get rid of the fluid. What an idiot I am I spent all night running to the bathroom to pee.So, this morning I have skinny ankles and heavy eyes from no sleep.

Life At The End Of The Tunnel

Be the light at the end of someone's tunnel.


People often ask me if I'm a religious person. That's a tricky one to answer. I rarely attend church these days, but I do believe in God, I do on occasion read the Bible and I do pray. So, my answer is I'm a spiritual person.  I believe we should start everyday afresh. Spend a few minutes in quiet contemplation, look at the trees, the flowers ,the birds. Breathe in the fresh air and be thankful for the wonderful free things the world has provided us.

This is a wonderful day. I've never seen this one before. - Maya Angelou

 I think as a society in general we get caught up in race to buy better material objects but those don't bring real joy to our hearts. The real joy is our connection with people. We all have the need to give and receive love.

I love new age stuff. Crystals, Tarot Cards, Runes. I would love to learn the art of crystal healing with the Chakras.
 Being a descendant from Gypsies I feel I should be able to read tea leaves but no luck. My grandmother used to but I never inherited her gift. She did teach me how to pick plants and herbs to use for healing.
I have a great passion for mythical things. My home is filled with Dragons, Wizards, Unicorns. Greek Mythology is a particular favourite I love the stories about Pandora, Perseus, Jason and the Argonauts.

Life Goes on

 

 

 

Life goes on, very true words wrote by the great Robert Frost.

 

My weekend was filled with highs and lows.

 Saturday I met up with my friend around lunchtime. Then I went grocery shopping . On arriving home my son came to help me unload the car. Exclaiming he didn't know the apocalypse was coming next week from the amount of bags. My husband decides to help unpack the bags. He has a recent diagnosis of early onset dementia. Most of the time he's good but he's very difficult to reason with at times. So, patience is needed. He was trying to put margarine in the cupboard and my son was arguing with him saying it correctly needs to go in the fridge. I whispered to my son to let him put it in the cupboard and ill move it later. This thankfully diffused the situation.Then I spent the afternoon catching up with The Handmaids Tale.  A very dark story set in the future where fertile women are forced to have sex and have babies for rich couples. Its a very addicting story showing how quickly society can revert to a time when women were seen as people without any rights or voice.

 

Sunday was Fathers Day. So, id booked a table for lunch to take my husband out with the children. We had an excellent lunch which I managed to keep down, then I went to watch my son's  fishing. Which actually means I lay in the sun reading a book. Right now I am reading The Strain trilogy. My friends would probably roll their eyes and say vampires again Anna. Is it an obsession of yours. Yes, actually it is. I love fantasy horror.   

Then I spent the evening indulging in a passion of mine cooking. I love to bake and I obsessively spend vast amounts of time searching for recipes and buying cooking magazines and books. So, I baked pies and cookies and made 2 desserts and got the ingredients together to make my famous pulled pork on Monday.

 

My quote of the day

Be who you are not who the world wants you to be.

 

Serendipity

Serendipity, the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy way. I believe life is very precious and we should enjoy everyday of it. Even on a dark day when we cant see the light, there is something joyous in it. A beautiful sunrise, an unexpected smile. a beautiful flower in a sea of weeds. We just need to look for it.
Last week was one of those darker weeks. I am a cancer survivor of 5 years. I've not been well for 6 weeks. But, kept pushing it away thinking it will get better on its own. Didn't seem to be working though.
I was sat watching the new season of House Of Cards one morning thinking I should phone the Doctors office after projectile vomiting my breakfast. When they unexpectedly phoned me. It turned out they misdialed but I took this as an omen I needed to make an appointment.
So, they got me in the next day. The Doctors seemed concerned enough to email the specialist to see me again and set me up for an ultrasound and blood work the next day.
The following day the specialist phones and gets me in the next day. She said the blood work and ultrasound were good but she was going to do a biopsy to be certain. She gave me some medication for my vomiting which is working great. So, hopefully her initial diagnosis of a severe hormone imbalance is correct. But, until I get the biopsy results back I cant be sure.