Secret Struggles

                                                                          I was up at 5am for work and the only tv show on was this religious one . I wasn't really paying attention since I was browsing Facebook. But, her words caught my attention and for a few minutes I felt she was talking to me. She was talking about secret struggles, mainly about keeping abusive relationships in the dark. How we empower it ,not ourselves by keeping it hidden, and how by bringing it into the light we invite God to empower and help us.  It seemed to resonate with what my counsellor was telling me today. Last week she had me start a journal just recording my interactions with Doomsayer. When I'm ready I have to find a trusted person to read it. I find it very hard to read back myself . I'm not sure I'm courageous enough to allow someone to read how I allow him to intimidate me in that way. I want to retaliate and answer him back. But, I know it just escalates the situation to an unbearable level and he has the upper hand knowing I don't have any family here. So, I have nowhere to go to escape. I'm very much a person who likes peace and harmony in my life. I don't like confrontation unless I have to. I will talk about problems and issues. But, I don't want to screamed at and belittled.The counsellor is amazing to talk too. Obviously she hears stories like mine everyday but she helps me understand that there is a way out. She gives me homework to do which is also empowering. Deciding where I want to live. Looking at apartments online. Doing a budget. That one made me realize I will need a part time job in addition to my full time job in order to live alone. So, that is something I can start looking for. I've started my savings account at a bank he doesn't know about, and started my list of things I want from the home and what I will need to buy. This week I need to do my emergency bag, find a few friends for my emergency contact list and plan a safe place to go in an emergency situation.                                                             

Knee Slapper Of An Evening

                                                                   So,I've decided to move this story over from my other blog since it's not really a sex story. Last night I went out on a date with man with a dog. I honestly don't know when someone last took me out just to enjoy my company. No chat about sex and no expectation that sex would be on the table after the date. He was hilarious, even more funny in real life than he is by text. We had a meal and drinks and the time just flew by. We can just talk up a storm about random shit. That's what caught my attention to begin with. We endlessly text each other about random stuff during the day.  He sends me jokes and funny things he sees on Facebook. We hadn't exchanged pics prior to meeting . We decided that it didn't matter and that either way we would remain really good chat buddies. As it turns out he was really really cute. He actually thinks I'm cute too. So, that's a good thing. We were there for three hours. At the end of the date he walked me out to my car and gave me a very passionate kiss goodbye. He's already invited me out on a second date. I'm going to his local bar to play darts with his friends next week.

You Go Girl

                                                                              I woke the other morning feeling very lonely and depressed. I realized I needed to kick myself in the butt and stop looking for excuses not to do things. I had saved a link for al anon family group meetings and saw there was one on this morning. I decided to get over my fear and go. It was actually helpful talking about his drinking and abuse. I talked to one woman who snuck the empty bottles to the recycling depot bins at 3am so the neighbors didn't see. I learnt that I don't have to put up with abusive behaviour I can be strong enough to say no. Yes he will be angry with me but I can leave the house or lock myself in a room. So, after leaving the meeting feeling somewhat empowered I did two things I've wanted to do in a long time but never had the courage to. I went to the jewellers in the mall and had my wedding ring cut off and then I phoned a counselling service and made an appointment for Monday after work. I figure if I'm going to leave him I'm going to need all the help and support I can muster.

The Escape Artist

                                                                         This past two week has been so busy I have had no time to write. This past weekend I was away at my daughters house for her birthday. We went to one of those Escape rooms. I've always wanted to try one. We split into two groups women and men and went into separate rooms. We are given a timer with 45 minutes to escape from the room. I felt very overwhelmed to begin with and I didn't know where to start. Eventually though I get my brain into gear and finally figure out there isn't an order to solve them, you just work on any clue. I manage to solve the final three clues which give us the answer to opening the box with the key. The final clue was one of my favourite puzzles. One where you are given a list of random dates and times and you have to figure out the next one in the sequence. We manage to get out with 7 minutes left. The guys unfortunately were still in there when the buzzer went off. So, bragging rights for the women. We went back to my daughters house after for pizza, cake and tequila shots. Since my daughter is pregnant, being a considerate mom I took her shots for her. So, I had two for everyone else's one. I went to bed at 2am, but then Doomsayer came in the room at 3am putting all the lights on and falling over. He was meant to be sleeping on the sofa in the basement. So, I got up pushed him onto the bed and went and slept on the sofa. I tried to go back to sleep but my daughters cats all wanted to snuggle. So, I had one on my head and two on my stomach. In the morning I was feeling very delicate. My head and stomach were not in pristine condition. We all went to Smittys for breakfast but mine didn't even make it out of the restaurant after a speedy restroom stop. The journey home was long with an open window and some plastic grocery bags. I'd like to say I'll never do it again but I know myself too well.