Right now everything looks so strange to me, as if I don't belong here. It's me that's out of place. And the worst thing is that I feel there's somewhere I do belong, but I just can't find it. - L J Smith
My job involves working with people with Alzheimer's. I'm luckily a person blessed with endless amounts of patience and am not fazed by the endless repetitive questions. I understand family members unable to cope and I will happily take over to give them a break. Yesterday I got very angry with a co worker who had an angry mean response to a question asked by a person with Alzheimer's. The person was very upset because they thought they were lost and wanted to go home. The co worker was frustrated I understand but telling them they don't have a home anymore and that no wanted them was not an appropriate response. Remember it's better to remove yourself from the situation temporarily than to respond like that. A person with memory loss is genuinely afraid and reaching out for help because they believe they are lost. They don't know they are safe and being cared for. Reacting in a way that hurts and scares them is wrong. Just take a second to think how you would feel if you awoke in a strange place with strange people and didn't know where your family or home was. How distressing would be for you to hear a response like that. So, if you find yourself in a similar situation just always answer kindly. Even if it is 50 times in the space of an hour.
I actually had a rare weekend home alone. The rest of the family were away and I had to work so I stayed home. Apart from having to work it was lovely. No sink full of dishes. Watching what I want on tv. I'd like to say I went out partying after work but in reality I went to bed with a glass of wine, my book and my bed companion the cat.
My current dilemma is a new car or holiday. I'm desperately in need of new wheels my car is not going to last much longer. But, my brain is still trying to figure a way to work a holiday in there somewhere. I really want to sit on a beach, meander through some ancient ruins and sip on a cocktail served by a hot waiter. What fun is a metal box that gets me from A to B. Of course the practical me will prevail and I'll try and find a male friend to come car shopping with me. Unfortunately my knowledge of cars extends no further than where to put the gas in , and the only thing I'm interested in is what colour it is.
Finally I'm starting to feel more like myself. The past three weeks I've been an emotional wreck. I know it'my body adjusting to the meds but I was starting to feel I'd been inhabited by a foreign entity . I'm not normally a very emotional person so crying for no reason whatsoever is a very alien feeling to me. I've only ever cried once in a movie. That was the Bridges of Madison County during the truck scene. I watched it at a time in my life when I'd made a similar decision and it reflected my feelings in ever way. I felt Meryl Streep was me at that exact moment.
Sometimes its the smallest decision that can change your life forever.
You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. There is nothing I'd rather see than your smile, and nothing I'd rather hear than your laughter.
I am proud of the person you have become. And no matter what happens in your life, I have the confidence in your ability to make the right choices. I love You - Barbara Cage
When I was six years old I won an award at a national Sunday school writing event. I got the silver award ( I still have it ). Not bad considering I was the youngest contestant by two years. My writing essay was on the Parable about the man who built his house on a rock. I wrote about how Jesus was teaching us that building a strong family foundation was the key to happiness. I never really had that myself and my mother was very unhappy with my decision to go to church. But, the pastor and his wife persuaded her to let me go with them.. I read the Bible completely twice by the time I was eight. I was a very accomplished reader for my age after learning to read at 3. I was reading the newspaper at 4.
This weekend all my children were home at once and we had a great weekend all hanging out and laughing together. So , even though I had a mother who had no time or interest in me. I always made sure I attended all my kids events. Turning up early so they could see me in the front and they know I'm always here for them no matter what. So, they have their foundation and I'm their rock
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan. A stately pleasure dome decree: Where Alph, the sacred river, ran through caverns measureless to man . Down to a sunless sea. - Samuel Coleridge
So, in answer to a question why poetry and music on every post. This blog is my diary. I write it for myself. If others read and enjoy I am happy.
Poetry is my biggest passion it always has been. I read some Christina Rossetti poems when I was seven and they just touched my heart. The first poem I read was " when I am dead my dearest ". This lead to me spending much time searching the library shelves for more. I loved the darkness of Edgar Allan Poe, the way Robert Frost could capture that perfect thought and verbalized it in a way that we all could just get it. One of my favourite poets is Samuel Coleridge he just captured my imagination with his visionary gothic prose. The poems lead to my lifelong addiction to gothic literature.
Why music ?
Music is another tool which affects your mood. It can make you happy, sad, want to get up and dance. I don't have a genre of music that I like. Instead I like songs of every genre that make me feel something in my heart. Passion, sadness, joy, some remind me of past events and people. So, mainly the songs I share are ones I love. Like the one today. Other songs just seem to fit into the blog post theme.
I can resist anything except temptation - Oscar Wilde.
It seems my premonition about something I wrote about in a post titled drama and conflict has come about. It seems one of the casual staff didn't understand the email and asked the manager to explain it. So, it all came out and the woman who sent the email has been suspended without pay.
I was working yesterday and a guy came from the cable company to hook up a residents phone. I went to let him in because it's a locked unit. He was walking a little in front of me and he just had the cutest bum. Yes, I was so checking him out. Nice chunky bum that wobbles just right. Then he starts up a conversation and I have to move my eyes away and make eye contact. Apparently he was in my unit two weeks earlier and remembered I was working then. Unfortunately I couldn't recall ever seeing him before. He probably wasn't wearing the tight shorts that day. We share a little friendly banter and I realize he's flirting with me. So, who doesn't enjoy a little flirting and I do the same back. He hints about having a drink together sometime but I have way too many complications in my life right at this time. So, I graciously decline his offer. It was very tempting though he did have just the cutest bum.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself - Oscar Wilde.
The moon is my sun, the night is my day. Blood is my life, and you are my prey.
It was so hot yesterday. I got up early and spent a few hours weeding and tending to my flowers. Then I cut some herbs from my herb garden and put them into bags to freeze. I left some rosemary out in my kitchen it has such a lovely aroma and put some dill aside to make a sauce to go with the salmon I was cooking for supper. The only downside to working outside was I forgot to apply mosquito spray and my body became a tasty meal for the tiny vampires. I then made an avocado cheesecake and some butter tarts for my son. Those are his favourite.
In the afternoon I took a drive 30 minutes outside the city to a cider making company. They make all their own cider there. I did some tasting and bought a couple of bottles of cider. While I was there I bumped into an old friend I hadn't seen in many years. We got some cold drinks and sat in the sun catching up. We reminisced about an overnight camping trip we did 4 years ago. There is a lake about 40 minutes outside the city and we camped in a tent there once. He cooked sausages and we drank wine. Then we lay on a blanket looking at the stars. Simple but romantic. It brought a smile to my face remembering it. We used to do a lot of stuff together. He likes photography and we used to take long walks and hikes. It was a more intimate relationship back then too. It wasn't until we were chatting that I realized I had missed that. We promised to not lose touch again and I truly hope we can meet and chat again
But first, on earth as vampire sent, Thy corse shall from its tomb be rent: Then ghastly haunt thy native place, And suck the blood of all thy race... - Lord Byron
There are certain people that'll inhabit a small quiet space inside your heart forever. They left a piece of themselves when your souls collided upon impact. And there they'll always subtly remain. - Victoria Erickson. Isn't it true that sometimes we meet people and they completely change our lives. Sometimes a friend, sometimes a mentor, other times a lover. Often we are not meant to be in each other's lives forever. But, these people always leave us with special memories. A piece of them remains in our hearts forever. I truly believe at difficult times in our lives God sends us people to help and guide us. We just need to open our hearts to let them in. I believe we can love people without being in love with them.
Eighteen years ago I was in a very dark place. My mind was full of thoughts of self harm. I was online one day and logged onto ICQ. I started chatting with a guy. We just chatting all day about everything. We chatted and spoke on the phone everyday for many years. We eventually discovered we were in similar situations and we ended up being each other's best friends. We were the rock in each other's lives. Providing courage, support and love to each other. We were there for each other through the most difficult times of our lives and eventually we emerged on the other side. We are friends forever even though we have never met. We have both moved on and are happy in our lives and no longer need each other as a crutch to lean on. But our friendship endures eighteen years later and we still keep weekly contact with each other.
When things go wrong as they sometimes will. When the road you're trudging seems all uphill. When the funds are low and the debts are high. And you want to smile, but you have to sigh. When care is pressing you down a bit- Rest if you must, but don't quit.
There was an Amber Alert here yesterday for an abducted child. Luckily thanks to the power of television and social media she was found safely and the abductor has been arrested. I couldn't believe though how judgmental some people were on social media. Calling the parents irresponsible for letting her play alone in the park. The parents did nothing wrong, they felt their child was responsible enough to play at the park for a short time in the afternoon alone. The guy who abducted her is the bad person. He's the one who stalked and grabbed her. There are bad people in this world and it is impossible to protect ourselves from them. Often it's a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. We should stop judging others and taking a moral high ground and instead support each other and be grateful that for the grace of god it isn't us.
So, I seem to of acquired yet another health issue which has required yet another doctors appointment today. I'm just sick of being sick. The doctor is as baffled as me as to the cause. So , he's sending me off to another specialist. I should probably change my name to Dipstick Sick Chick. I guess life is what it is. No point dwelling on stuff I have no control over. So, to take my mind of it I'm baking a cherry pie and making a shepherds pie for supper.
When you believe in Angels, you have friends in high places!
The breeze, the breath of God, is still. And the mist upon the hill. Shadowy, shadowy ,yet unbroken, Is a symbol and a token. How it hangs upon the tree. Mystery of Mystery. - Edgar Allan Poe.
Conflict seemed to be the theme of the day yesterday. I had a strange vague email sent to all staff members off a coworker. It was a warning about saying lies about co workers and gossiping behind their backs. I actually had heard about the incident she was vaguely referring too. I don't like people lying but in this case I actually believe the person she's accusing. I'd already viewed her snap chat pics taken at various times during the night. The dispute is over the accused co worker sleeping for 6 hours on their night shift leaving the accuser and so called liar to do all the work. I'm not getting involved so my choice is to leave them to it. I thought the email a bad idea since you've now escalated a dispute between two people into one including the entire work force. If management hear about it and see the snap chats the accuser would likely be sacked since sleeping on duty is a sackable offence.
Since I had a day off I decided to take hubby out for lunch at a new restaurant not too far from my home. We are seated and I have a glass of wine and he has a beer. We order our meals and he orders more beer. Our meals arrive and he orders more beer. I'm still sipping on my wine wondering if this is a good idea. He orders a 4th beer in 45 minutes and I say no more after that. He finishes his beer and leaves his hardly touched meal. He says are you ready to go. I say I haven't finished eating, still have my drink and haven't paid the bill. He says well I'm going to wait in the car. I let him go and finish my meal in peace. On getting outside I'm so angry he's taken off home in my car leaving me there. I'm so angry he's driving obviously drunk. I see I now have three options to get home. I could walk it's not that far. But, it's really hot and I'm wearing heels. I could also go to the shopping mall, hang out there and get a bus home. Or phone my sons and see if either can come and pick me up. I went with option three and luckily one was available to come and get me.
When I get home I find he's sleeping on the sofa with a half empty bottle of vodka. So, he obviously made a detour on the way home. I spend the afternoon cleaning the house and doing laundry. I make a chicken curry with coconut rice for supper. He's still asleep. He only woke once to ask if I could vacuum quieter. He eventually wakes up I warm up his food he says he's not hungry but I told him to eat it. I decide to relax and watch Netflix. I put on a 3 part series Hatfield and the Mccoys. It was so good I watched the entire series. Made me think of the saying so you want a battle I'll give you a war. Revenge is a very powerful emotion. To hurt someone as much as they've hurt you. Maybe forgiveness is a better choice.
The older you get, the more you realize you have no desire for drama, conflict or any kind of intensity. You just want a cozy home , a nice book and a person who knows how you like your coffee.
