You can never build something if your the only one carrying the bricks

I read the title words a few weeks ago and it just resounded with me. It often feels like im the only one putting any effort into things. I will admit im a perfectionist and want to do everything in my life to the best of my ability.
For the past few weeks K has been home while they do renovations at his office.It has caused some tension between us. I like to have some alone time to spend on my own pursuits and to hang out with my friends. Right now though i feel like im interrogated every time i say im going some place. It also doesnt help that hes extremely messy and refuses to clean up after himself. This is growing very tiresome. Ive given up on him on the sex front. He has no interest in taking care of my needs, so i will take care of my own.

What i decided to do for the past few weeks was to get my financial life in order. I had a large dental expense which ive now paid for . So i now have no further big expenses that are pending.
I need to start rebuilding myself after the bankruptcy. I want to be better, stronger and completely financially independent. ( sounds like a quote from the six million dollar man ).

I opened myself a savings account, applied for a secured credit card. Made a will , got myself a safety deposit box. Paid my remaining balance owing to revenue Canada..

Other things i plan to do are get my resume updated and look for another job. Do some online courses and look into new opportunities.

After getting my teeth fixed i decided to go for a complete make over. I got my hair cut short, and have started buying myself new clothes.

I also decided to take more control over my health. I went and got a mammogram, a pap test, a HIV and sexual health test . All were clear, But its nice to know for sure. Next on my list is to get my vaccinations up to date. I have no idea when my last tetanus jab was. Probably over 20 years ago.

So, although i agree with the title words, i also solidly believe i can rise as a phoenix from the ashes carrying my own bricks . One at a time.

Bizarre Dream

Last night i had a very disturbing dream. I wasn't upset during the dream it all seemed very matter of fact. But this morning ive been struggling to understand it.

I will relate my dream to you

Im asleep in bed. Im woken by knocking on the door. K gets up and answers it. He invites as yet the unknown woman into the house. He then starts shouting at me to get up.I say i want to sleep, but he drags me out of bed. Standing in the living room is the girl / woman who bullied me when i was a kid. K is helping her to undress and wrapping her in a blanket because her clothes were wet. She says he is mine now we have been seeing each other for months. Then K shoves the wet clothes into my arms and tells me to go and wash them. I take them to the basement and dump them in a pile on the floor . Then walk back upstairs. They are no longer in the living room and are instead in our bed. K says you can sleep on the couch. Instead i pick up my clothes off the bedroom floor and drive off.

A week later i return to pick up my mail. K asks me to come back, she only wanted to split us up he says. I say i dont give second chances and walk away.
In the mail is a cheque. I cash the cheque and buy a ticket to Wales leaving right away.When i arrive at the airport my brother is there. He says ive got the fishing rods in the back of the car. We drive to a very special fishing spot in the mountains that we used to go to as kids. We set up our rods in the river and sit in this beautiful tranquil spot looking at the flowers and trees. My brother unpacks the picnic and says i have your favorite egg sandwiches and wine. I lay back and look up at the beautiful blue sky. My brother says this is the spot you wanted to come to die. I say yes it is. He says thats why your here and i say i know. Then i just have this wonderful feeling of calm and peacefulness


I havent thought about the bully susanne in probably 30 years. I actually battered her with a cricket bat when she hurt my brother. I could ignore her bullying me but when she hurt my little brother i saw red. I dont think K would bring a woman into the house and do that. So, i find that part strange.  Then is the other part a premonition of death or something else. Im confused. Does anyone reading this know anything about dream interpretation.

Don't Consider Phoning in Sick To Work, Karma Will Bite Your Ass

Over the weekend i spent a few days camping up north and going to the Napatak Ramble.
It was a wonderful two day event. The first night was all the local talent and the following night was the main entertainers. I must admit i really enjoyed the local bands they were so good. I especially enjoyed Funky bus ( video below ), so much energy you feel like rocking out to them.

I did have to spend the weekend hobbling around with a strapped up ankle. Which meant no dancing and difficulty navigating around. I think karma was teaching me a lesson though. I had planned to phone up sick for work for one day because i couldn't get the time off. But, i ended up rolling my ankle in work .So,i guess karma was saying "hey if you want to be off sick,then you can be sick". So,one day off has been extended to a week
There wasn't a whole lot of food i could eat there being gluten free. So i lived on taco in a bag and fries. Not the healthiest choices but all that was available.
K hates Off spray and says it gives him a headache. I said i needed it,but he said i was just exaggerating . He said no one reacts that bad to mosquito bites. So,i kept covered up and still got eaten alive by them. Now he feels guilty because im a spotty , itchy mess. I told him they love my sweet welsh blood. It has no immunity to them and my skin reacts really badly to them.

Even with all the negative stuff it was a great weekend. It was interesting have no WiFi or TV and having to entertain yourself around the campfire. Maybe thats something we should all do sometimes to reconnect with nature.

What A Downpour

Saturday was the day of the graduation. I got up early to get myself ready to go. I look outside and its torrential rain.I pack my overnight bag and hope the weather will clear up as we head north.
No such luck ,the weather gets worse.It pours,and pours and pours. May as well add a couple of more pours for you to get the full effect.
With the weather being so bad we get behind schedule and stop at a store about 90 minutes away. unfortunately i cant eat any sandwiches and lunch for me is a bag of chips. I watch with jealously as K munches into 2 egg sandwiches.
We arrive at our destination in La Ronge 10 minutes late. The parking lot is in a field which is now a mud bath. I have to squelch through the mud with high heels on. Very impractical.
We sneak into some seats at the back and are pleased to discover we hadn't missed anything. The local First Nations band were still drumming.
What i took away from the graduation was the diversity of the group. No long does you prom date have to be a person of the opposite sex. There were same sex partners, a transgender couple, a girl with her baby,and a single woman who made a statement by going alone. Not wanting a prom date. Its amazing to see these wonderful changes coming to the world.

A Winged Cupid Painted Blind

Welcome summer solstice. The beginning of Summer. I am looking forward to it.
For anyone who doesn't know," a winged cupid painted blind" is a quote from Midsummer Nights Dream by William Shakespeare. Of whom i am  a very big fan.

 First adventure of the summer.
I am going away for the weekend. K's great niece has her high school graduation on Saturday and its 4 hours north of where we live. There is a BBQ and party later so we are staying overnight and returning on Sunday .Its a very pretty area with a beautiful lake. Ive only ever been there in winter, so i am excited to do a little exploring on Sunday before heading home.

I don't want to turn up at the ceremony looking like something the cat dragged in. Or since its up north, more likely what the bear dragged in. So, today ive been getting my hair done and getting waxed. Thought id better make an effort since im wearing a dress. Would of liked to of got my nails done too but not enough time before work.

On the subject of waxing.
 I walk in for my waxing and Cookie says " i see you haven't been for 8 weeks Anna."
I protest "ive been on holiday and haven't had time since my return"
Cookie says "it should be every 3 weeks"
I said" i know,i look like a hairy cave woman with a untamed mass of pubic hair"
Twenty minutes later ,Cookie has me looking smooth and hairless, with black mascara runs down my eyes, from where tears left my eyes when she waxed the pussy.
Before leaving i dutifully made my next appointment for 3 weeks.

WARNING DON"T READ IF EASILY OFFENDED
NOT FOR THOSE WITH A WEAK STOMACH

I have just received the funniest snap chat. My 16 month old granddaughter was running around without a diaper on ,while my daughter watched Love Island. My daughter was so engrossed in the show she didn't notice her poop on the floor. My granddaughter picked it up in her hands carries it to her mum and says mum,mum and drops it in her mums cup of tea. It was both hilarious and gross to watch. Thank you to my son who filmed it and didn't bother to warn his sister.


A beautiful Midsummer Poem with some enchanting music. Hope you enjoy as much as i did.

Life As A Girl

Its been 2 years since i bought a new bra. Now, that i finally have a little disposable income i decide to remedy that. I head off to Pennington's in search of new bras. Not many stores stock big boob bras.
I browse and finally decide on something to go beneath my summer outfits. So, a cream color and pretty dusky pink. I pick up my size and head off to the changing room to try them on.
 What the heck !!
They are too small ????
It dawns on me my old bras have stretched to accommodate my growing, sagging boobs
I take the two too small ones back to the assistant and ask for a bigger size. Thankfully the bigger size fits perfect
If they get any bigger ill be in need of a crane to help carry them.

Since i am at the mall and in walking distance of McNally Robinson i head there in search of a graduation card for K's great niece. However, being in my element in a bookstore. I get distracted by the books. I am sat in the corner engrossed in a poetry book when i suddenly remember i have to go to work and ive already dallied in there over an hour and i haven't even looked for a graduation card. Luckily the cards were right by the checkout and i was able to grab one before leaving.
As,i was literally flying through the door (broomstick in hand ), i grabbed a Coming Events booklet.
This morning as i drank my morning cup of Earl Grey tea i read it. I noticed an event i am interested in concerning Womens Union Education and Womens experiences in the workplace. Its a book wrote by a local author. So,ive marked it in my calendar to attend.

Who's Going To Hell -You Or Me ?????

Yesterday i went for a Chinese lunch with one of my close friends of 8 years. Its been over a year since we got together in person. Mainly due to us both having a year from hell last year. We had a wonderful time catching up and promised not to let so much time pass before getting together again.
Shes a breast cancer survivor and i was with her through all that.But, then i changed jobs 3 years ago and we no longer saw each other daily.

Last year because of my injury i wasnt able to get around. She was also off work most of last year due to being bullied. After an investigation by the labor board the people bullying her were disciplined. My friend is a very loud, outspoken person but beneath that shes very insecure and tender hearted. She always puts 100% into her job. So,being wrote up and disciplined for things she hadn't done was devastating to her.
I know the people that did the bullying and i would like to say i was shocked but it seems they both get off on an ego trip of control. It angers me when people do that. What do you gain by making another persons life miserable.

Then yesterday evening i was working with a casual worker. Im the supervisor and she is just ignoring our requests for her to help with the work. Instead she keeps saying its not her job.I said all the residents are our responsibility. This resulted in a heated argument. I then removed myself from the argument saying this is done. Then i walked away. She actually did do the work and tried being nice to me later. I was polite but im done  being friendly with her. I dont like lazy people. Shes being paid to do a job not sit around and watch TV. Anyway rant over.

A little apt music from my favourite Saskatchewan band The Dead South to end my post.

Pain Fought With Pain

Its been nearly a year since the accident. I've made a miraculous recovery. My only issues is my back pain. I keep trying things to try and alleviate it. So, on Friday i decide to try Acupuncture. I go and see an acupuncturist called Greg. He's very nice, goes through some detailed medical questions, explains what hes going to do and i am given a Chinese Medicine plan

I begin the treatment lying on my front. He starts putting the needles in the back of my neck. It doesn't hurt, it just feels like someone flicking my skin. He carries on down my spine. Then i am left under the heat for 20 minutes. It feels relaxing and after 10 minutes it feels like everything is drained from me and i am totally relaxed.
After 20 minutes i flip over like an egg ready to be cooked on the other side. This time he puts the needles into my arms,hand, feet and toes. This incurs a very similar experience with everything draining. After my treatment i feel very high and floaty. I have another treatment booked for next week.

Did it help with the pain. Not at all. Did i feel any benefit. Yes, i do feel more invigorated and more energy. I realize its likely to take more than one treatment to feel any benefit. So,ill complete the six treatments.

Moving On

It finally feels like my life is moving on. I've been discharged from my bankruptcy , my divorce is moving along. Slowly, but its moving. I've stopped beating myself up about my past mistakes. I,m just going to concentrate on me for a while. I realized i have ignored lots of friends this past year. I'm surprised many are still my friends.The problem is when i am  hurt and in pain i retreat deep into my head and i don,t want to talk to anyone. So,i am not an easy person to be around.
I went away for a month and this helped me to get my life back in prospective.

This past week i have started reconnecting with my old friends. Tuesday night K was staying overnight some place so i had no reason to go straight home after work.  So, i went to my friend Paul,s house after work at 11pm. We both love old horror movies. So, we watched a mutual favorite
The 1986 version of The Omen. We drank wine, ate chocolate and had a really fun time. It was 3am when i got home and i slept in really late the next day.
Normally, it wouldn't of mattered that i slept in late but i had arranged to go to a former Sub piglets house for lunch. He had wanted to cook me a belated birthday lunch. I really can shower and dress really fast when the need arises. He barbecued me a wonderful steak. We had so much fun visiting i was nearly late for work. He said even though i told him last year because of my physical injury i was releasing all subs of their obligations to me , that in his heart i would always own him. He said he wanted no other mistress i own him forever. I admit to being especially touched by his words
Piglet is a man of his word i know and certainly not a man i would cross or want as my enemy.

I've started doing activities that make me happy. I've started reading again. I hadn't read in a while. My head wouldn't quiet enough for me to concentrate.
If anyone is looking for a good thriller to read ive just finished The Woods by Harlan Coben. Not, his best novel but certainly one with a twist i didn't see coming at the end.
Im back to enjoying working in the garden. I filled planters with herbs,and fuchsias and impatiens. I have tomato plants growing in pots and hanging baskets adoring the front door.
I realize i dont need to plan my life and make big decisions. Ive opened a savings account and started putting money into it. For now i can just enjoy each day as it comes. If the day comes when i feel i need to make plans then i will have the money to do them.

For some reason this week im drawn to the dark,haunting melodies of Leonard Cohen. He's certainly drawing out the darker side of me. Not in a depressing way though.

Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts and I took the day to spiral into a deep depression. I beat myself up for being a horrible person and wrecking lives. I hope neither of those things are true. But, I was in a self hate mood.

A few days ago, I was chatting about an ex lover. Since then he’s been on my mind. I decided yesterday to stalk him out on Facebook. I found him and it was interesting to look at his pics. He looks older and chubbier. But, then so am i. I didn’t do anything like contact him. I downloaded one of his pics and decided the past has gone but it was nice to look at his happy smiling face. Then I found an old email account I haven’t used in 5 years. It took me an hour of going through loops with Microsoft to get my password reset. It was full of 15 years of emails and photos. I cried the entire day and evening going through them. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten so many of these people. They were important in my life. I felt like I was mourning my old life. I ended up getting very drunk and puking everywhere. I spent most of the night sleeping on the bathroom floor. This morning after dutifully taking Tylenol and eating some food. Which I had skipped all together yesterday. I realised I felt calm and relaxed. I think my head and heart needed to pour all these internal feelings out. It made me remember how lucky I’ve been to have all these people come into my life when I needed them. The universe has certainly blessed me. They may no longer be in my life, but I’m thankful for the time that I did. I feel like a lucky person and know I’m on the right path. Whatever, path I take and whatever fork in the road I decide to take I know the universe will bless me with the right people.

Sick Chick

I felt really tired and sluggish in work last night. Then couldn’t stop coughing in the car on my way home. This morning I woke up and feel terrible. Sore throat. cough and headache. I decide to skip the gym this morning instead I opt to eat some breakfast, take some Day quill and get a couple of hours more sleep. I think today should be a morning of rest and recuperation.

Its now 2 hours later and I still feel crappy. I must go work since I have no more sick days. Mushroom soup and hot tea should pick me up, I hope.

Why is it we get sick when we have so much to do. I really shouldn’t complain there are people out there really sick with life threatening illnesses. I was saddened yesterday to hear of Alex Trebeks plight with pancreatic cancer. I love jeopardy and I wish him all the best in his fight with it.

Strange how we can all get so involved with the life’s of strangers we see on the television. One of the seniors I take care of is so hooked on the Bachelor. I’ve never seen the show, but she regals the tales to me of the scorned women who he voted off.  Doesn’t sound like fun tv to me. But sometimes we have such mundane lives that watching someone else’s is entertaining. It just seems tv companies exploit people’s feelings to get good ratings. I did once see an episode once of Love Island. Personally, I think if your in a good relationship why ruin it. Why would you test if your partner would cheat? Temptation is something we deal with everyday. We all make those choices. We can all act differently in a situation like that. Maybe edited clips make it look like your partner is cheating so you respond by doing the same. I wonder if any of those couples stay together after the show. Not many I suspect.

Strive For Progress Not Perfection

I joined a gym a week ago. Mainly to build up my core strength after the accident. I need to strengthen my back. Since I’m still struggling with lifting and stationary standing. The gym I joined give one complimentary session with a personal trainer. So, I used the opportunity to get his expertise on what exercises to do. He showed me some weight machines that will target those particular muscles. So, for the past week I’ve challenged myself to do a daily exercise regime of 30 minutes on the treadmill, 30 minutes of weights followed by 30 minutes on the bike.

 I honestly do feel its being beneficial. I feel I can move easier and muscles hurt which I didn’t know I had. So, I think that’s good. I need to also lose 40 pounds but I’m not concentrating on that since the trainer said as I build up muscles, I’m not likely to lose much weight and I don’t want to feel disappointed in myself.

Last night I started watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix. 

Many people had recommended it, so I thought id give it a whirl. I wasn’t too sure by the first episode, but by episode 3 I was hooked. I really love Diego and Klaus. They are my favourite characters. I ended up watching 5 episodes since K decided to go to bed at 8pm. It was my only evening off for the next week and since K preferred to sleep rather than spend time with me. I at least got to hang out with the trusty tv.

Singing the Blues in more ways than one

This weekend I went to the local Blues Festival with K. The music was great on both nights. The first night though I got angry and upset with k. He invited me to go with him, then proceeded to ignore me all evening. I was on the verge of leaving at the interlude since he had left me sat alone for the whole 30 minutes, knowing full well I knew no one. I was texting with Peg who just by coincidence was in the city. He did invite me over to his hotel for a drink, but I had to decline. I realised I would be acting childish to do that. I really wanted to hear the music and would ultimately only be punishing myself. Instead I returned and moved my stool away from him, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him either. We discussed this on returning home. He said he didn’t know he was doing it. In some ways that seems worse that he was oblivious to his behaviour. Even the server was surprised we were together. Then he starts saying how great I looked and complimenting me. I’m not an idiot you would have said something like that at the beginning of the evening. Its meaningless when it is made an after thought.  K said he’s not used to being a couple that he’s more used to being solo. But, its been 11 months now that I’ve lived with him and that would seem sufficient time to me. If he wants to go out with his friends, then that’s fine then don’t invite me. I don’t appreciate being ignored. It wasn’t as if it was a party where I could mingle with people.

The next evening went considerably better. We were sat with a nice couple he knew, and I really enjoyed their company. Also, he talked to me and invited me to go dance which was fun. The music was great, and I had a enjoyable evening.

One of the artists from Friday was Crystal Shawanda. She has so much energy. She’s a first nations country singer who as recently made a blues album. She has an amazing voice.

Winter Woes

I think  February should be re- named polar vortex month.

We had a brief one day reprieve, then back to the -45 temperatures. The one saving grace is the longer days and sunshine. Which help to bring my mood up from glum and depressed to at least a little cheerful.

 Tomorrow is my granddaughters first birthday. So,im looking forward to her party. She seems to be turning into a bit of a tomboy thanks to her uncles. She loves wrestling and dinosaurs. But ,she looked so adorable in her Valentines Outfit yesterday.

After the party im going with K to Moose Jaw to the Temple Gardens Mineral Spa. it will be nice to have a soak in the hot springs. K bought me some lovely chocolate dipped strawberries from Edible Arrangements for Valentines Day. I think he felt bad id bought him a gift and he hadn't bought me one. However, im quite used to not getting gifts . That was actually the first time ive ever had a Valentines gift. I didn't tell him that though. Also,we had ordered some sex toys from Pinkcherry and the mailman kindly delivered them in the afternoon. So,i got to give my new flogger an outing. That was a very fun evening.
I dont normally follow the Oscars but K likes them. So, weve been watching the nominated movies. The only one i have yet to watch is Roma. My favorite by far was The Green Book, followed by Bohemian Rhapsody. So,in honor of the two great artists from those movies.

From The Green Book-The Don Shirley Trio

From Bohemian Rhapsody-Queen

Discontented Vagina

So,in answer to a question, " How are things going between myself and K". Fantastic, apart from the non existent sex. He no longer seems interested . I don't know if hes just lost interest in sex or if he no longer wants sex with me. Either way I'm not going to bring the subject up with him anymore its a pointless exercise since it changes nothing. I've brought it up twice already in the past few months.So,I've kind of resigned myself that this will be more of a platonic relationship. A complication is the reemergence of a former FWB . I hadn't had contact with him in years, but i had a car accident before Christmas and he was the only person i could find to come and help me.I have returned the favor by doing a good deed for him but now hes suggesting we rekindle our other relationship.He asked me out for lunch today, which i have excepted. It is just lunch. However my brain is turning things over. P is an amazing lover, hes still gorgeous and funny. He is younger than me but only by 6 years. Hes not one of the young studs i did get accustomed to for a while.However i am torn. I love K and i don't want to wreck our relationship by cheating on him. On the other hand I'm getting so sexually frustrated. I want sex 2-3 times a week at minimum. Not once every couple of weeks. Anybody got a solution please share it.

It’s astounding; time is fleeting; madness takes its toll.

I saw this meme on Facebook yesterday and it made me think of Brad and Janet off The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I go every year to the movie screening at the Broadway Theater 'on Halloween. This year i took K, and we took our props ready to participate . K had never seen the movie and had no idea what to expect. We dressed up as Riff Raff and Magenta. My daughter insisted on a photo of me before i left the house to make i wasn't wearing no skanky outfit. Like i would go out dressed like that (bats eyes innocently ). We arrived early since i wanted awesome seats close to the stage so i could go up there to dance the time-warp. Which i dragged K up to do even though he had to learn it by watching everyone else. The theater was packed to capacity and everyone was in costume. K and myself enjoyed the parade of scantily clad dressed young people.K enjoyed it so much he cant wait for this years show. Maybe we can do a parade of scantily clad old people, just don't tell my daughter shh.

I had breakfast with my son today and listened as he regaled the latest news about my ex. Apparently nine of his teeth fell out overnight, the dentist said due to malnutrition and heavy drinking causing a periodontal disease. I'm told hes lost a lot of weight since i left since there is no longer anyone there to nag him to eat food. Instead alcohol has become his meal.My son said he took him out for a drink but hes so depressing to be around he felt himself being dragged down by him. It also seems my ex is convinced I'm making charges on his new credit card and getting his bills redirected to me. Neither of course are true. I don't even know what company his new credit card is with and why in gods name would i want his bills. Does he think I'm going to pay them

On a brighter note Ive just read Game Of Thrones will resume on April 14th. I'm so excited for this.This is most definitely my favorite show.
A poem by the great Robert Frost that reminds me of Game of Thrones

Fire and Ice 

BY ROBERT FROST

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I’ve tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

Right now though I'm really into The Orville Its "Star Trek"Seth MacFarlane style. It has that camp sense of humor i love. Where else can a robot amputate a crew members leg during the night in an attempt to understand how a practical joke works. After the crew member told him to be creative. The poor robot didn't comprehend that amputation wasn't funny. However the scene is hilarious to watch. .

Key To The Emerald City

The year ended in pretty much the same way that it began crappy. My ex decided he wanted my car back since it was in his name. He had never driven the car nor made any payments on it. But, i didn't earn sufficient income at the time i bought it to get the car loan in my name . So,they put it in his. It seems my kids let slip that my relationship with K was more serious that he thought and his reaction was to hit back. I was really upset at first. He phoned me at work and really caught me unawares. He wanted the car right then. But i refused and said he had to wait until the weekend.Since i had winter tires on which i didn't want to give him.Once i had time to process it and have a chat with K and some friends.I realized it was actually not a bad thing. There is still 6 years of car payments left on it, so really hes just taken that away from me. It also simplifies the divorce settlement,since i would of had to use $26,000 of it to pay off the car loan to transfer the car to my name. So,for now i have an old beater to get around and im putting the money i was paying for the car loan away to save for a new vehicle.
2019,started off well.I went to the Capitol Club with K and we listened to some bands and brought in the New Year with some new friends . We could not get a cab home though and i suggested we get a bus. K mocked my thought but humored me and was shocked when i found us a bus that stopped right at the end of our road.

I did have to work all through Christmas so didn't get to participate much with all the celebrations. I had a meeting with my bankruptcy trustee last week and was pleasantly surprised to learn i could keep the extra money i earned for working the stat holidays.. so, i decided to treat myself to a laptop and some concert tickets. So,hence my first blog-post of the year. It was horrendously tedious trying to type a post on my phone

So,right now i am feeling positive  2019 will be a better year and hopefully like Dorothy i will find the key to the Emerald City