So, feeling invigorated with life I've had a really productive day. I booked myself some tanning minutes and I went tanning. I took a selfie of myself in some new lingerie and realized I was so pale I looked translucent. So, since Canadian winters are not known for sunshine and warmth I decided a few minutes in the tanning bed would help.
Then I went to look at apartments. I'm not planning to move out yet but I wanted an idea what was out there. I saw one I really liked. It was though $100 a month over my budget, not in the area I was planning to live in. But, it's a nice area , close to amenities, quiet. Seems to be a lot of seniors living in the area. So, something for me to think about. I know a few people have asked me why are you doing this now. What's been the trigger. I think the trigger has been I think time is running out. None of us know how long we have left. Do I really want to leave this world never having experienced some of the things I want to. I want to live out my days with someone who loves me. I want to hold hands and go for walks, watch the sunset. Go travel the world and do wild , crazy stuff. Lie on a blanket under the stars having amazing sex and talking about aliens. I realize that even by moving out I may never experience those things. But, I have to believe there is a person out there crazy enough to want me.
.Last night I watched the final episode of Godless on Netflix and I was crying by the end. I was so upset they killed Whitey and I really thought Roy would stay and take care of Alice and Truckie. But, I was happy Roy made it to California to look for his brother. So, many ups and downs in one episode. My favourite character by far is Mary Agnes. The tough gunslinging sister of the sheriff but the kindest heart.
I've been trying act normal at home but it's hard when I'm feeling so much more confident. Doomsayer actually commented yesterday you've got really independent I'm starting to feel you don't need me anymore. I wanted to say actually once I'm completely financially independent I won't be sticking around. I have glanced at pt jobs. But, until my daughter has the baby in February I can't apply for anything. I'm not planning to leave until after my grand baby is born since I don't want to bring any unnecessary upset and distress to her. I mean I've lasted this long what's a couple of more months .
What helped was when the counsellor said live your life like you want. He's going to be angry if you do something and angry if you don't.So,either way he's going to be angry so just do it. Also, it helps having funds in the secret account , an emergency friend list and a safe place to go.
Last night I went to my company Christmas party. I opted not to take a guest and went alone. Everyone else except for Mr Former Affair had a guest. So, we ended up being seated together. Awkward.
The meal was wonderful and after a couple of glasses of wine the awkwardness wore off and we started to have a good time chatting. I hadn't drove to the party since I wanted to drink. So, my son had dropped me off. After the party I said I'd text him to come and pick me up. But, Mr Former Affair says I can drive you home. I can only say alcohol definitely affected my judgement and My mouth found itself saying yes.
The drive home was fine except for the fact he kept reminiscing about our past relationship. I didn't want to say the only thing that stuck in my mind about it was his former bitch wife. Luckily I lived close by so it was a short drive. He stopped the car a few houses away from my house. Then as I fumbling around trying to undo the seatbelt he took my face in his hands and kissed me. I was stunned unable to comprehend what was happening. I didn't kiss him back but I also couldn't get my brain functioning enough to push him away.
The next morning I kept thinking why didn't you slap him.
The next day at work was pure awkwardness. I kept bumping into him all day long. He kept giving me smiles and saying wasn't it a good night. I'm just relieved now that I have a number of days off and then I'm working overnights. So, I won't be bumping into him for a while.
