Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts and I took the day to spiral into a deep depression. I beat myself up for being a horrible person and wrecking lives. I hope neither of those things are true. But, I was in a self hate mood.

A few days ago, I was chatting about an ex lover. Since then he’s been on my mind. I decided yesterday to stalk him out on Facebook. I found him and it was interesting to look at his pics. He looks older and chubbier. But, then so am i. I didn’t do anything like contact him. I downloaded one of his pics and decided the past has gone but it was nice to look at his happy smiling face. Then I found an old email account I haven’t used in 5 years. It took me an hour of going through loops with Microsoft to get my password reset. It was full of 15 years of emails and photos. I cried the entire day and evening going through them. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten so many of these people. They were important in my life. I felt like I was mourning my old life. I ended up getting very drunk and puking everywhere. I spent most of the night sleeping on the bathroom floor. This morning after dutifully taking Tylenol and eating some food. Which I had skipped all together yesterday. I realised I felt calm and relaxed. I think my head and heart needed to pour all these internal feelings out. It made me remember how lucky I’ve been to have all these people come into my life when I needed them. The universe has certainly blessed me. They may no longer be in my life, but I’m thankful for the time that I did. I feel like a lucky person and know I’m on the right path. Whatever, path I take and whatever fork in the road I decide to take I know the universe will bless me with the right people.

Sick Chick

I felt really tired and sluggish in work last night. Then couldn’t stop coughing in the car on my way home. This morning I woke up and feel terrible. Sore throat. cough and headache. I decide to skip the gym this morning instead I opt to eat some breakfast, take some Day quill and get a couple of hours more sleep. I think today should be a morning of rest and recuperation.

Its now 2 hours later and I still feel crappy. I must go work since I have no more sick days. Mushroom soup and hot tea should pick me up, I hope.

Why is it we get sick when we have so much to do. I really shouldn’t complain there are people out there really sick with life threatening illnesses. I was saddened yesterday to hear of Alex Trebeks plight with pancreatic cancer. I love jeopardy and I wish him all the best in his fight with it.

Strange how we can all get so involved with the life’s of strangers we see on the television. One of the seniors I take care of is so hooked on the Bachelor. I’ve never seen the show, but she regals the tales to me of the scorned women who he voted off.  Doesn’t sound like fun tv to me. But sometimes we have such mundane lives that watching someone else’s is entertaining. It just seems tv companies exploit people’s feelings to get good ratings. I did once see an episode once of Love Island. Personally, I think if your in a good relationship why ruin it. Why would you test if your partner would cheat? Temptation is something we deal with everyday. We all make those choices. We can all act differently in a situation like that. Maybe edited clips make it look like your partner is cheating so you respond by doing the same. I wonder if any of those couples stay together after the show. Not many I suspect.

Strive For Progress Not Perfection

I joined a gym a week ago. Mainly to build up my core strength after the accident. I need to strengthen my back. Since I’m still struggling with lifting and stationary standing. The gym I joined give one complimentary session with a personal trainer. So, I used the opportunity to get his expertise on what exercises to do. He showed me some weight machines that will target those particular muscles. So, for the past week I’ve challenged myself to do a daily exercise regime of 30 minutes on the treadmill, 30 minutes of weights followed by 30 minutes on the bike.

 I honestly do feel its being beneficial. I feel I can move easier and muscles hurt which I didn’t know I had. So, I think that’s good. I need to also lose 40 pounds but I’m not concentrating on that since the trainer said as I build up muscles, I’m not likely to lose much weight and I don’t want to feel disappointed in myself.

Last night I started watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix. 

Many people had recommended it, so I thought id give it a whirl. I wasn’t too sure by the first episode, but by episode 3 I was hooked. I really love Diego and Klaus. They are my favourite characters. I ended up watching 5 episodes since K decided to go to bed at 8pm. It was my only evening off for the next week and since K preferred to sleep rather than spend time with me. I at least got to hang out with the trusty tv.

Singing the Blues in more ways than one

This weekend I went to the local Blues Festival with K. The music was great on both nights. The first night though I got angry and upset with k. He invited me to go with him, then proceeded to ignore me all evening. I was on the verge of leaving at the interlude since he had left me sat alone for the whole 30 minutes, knowing full well I knew no one. I was texting with Peg who just by coincidence was in the city. He did invite me over to his hotel for a drink, but I had to decline. I realised I would be acting childish to do that. I really wanted to hear the music and would ultimately only be punishing myself. Instead I returned and moved my stool away from him, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him either. We discussed this on returning home. He said he didn’t know he was doing it. In some ways that seems worse that he was oblivious to his behaviour. Even the server was surprised we were together. Then he starts saying how great I looked and complimenting me. I’m not an idiot you would have said something like that at the beginning of the evening. Its meaningless when it is made an after thought.  K said he’s not used to being a couple that he’s more used to being solo. But, its been 11 months now that I’ve lived with him and that would seem sufficient time to me. If he wants to go out with his friends, then that’s fine then don’t invite me. I don’t appreciate being ignored. It wasn’t as if it was a party where I could mingle with people.

The next evening went considerably better. We were sat with a nice couple he knew, and I really enjoyed their company. Also, he talked to me and invited me to go dance which was fun. The music was great, and I had a enjoyable evening.

One of the artists from Friday was Crystal Shawanda. She has so much energy. She’s a first nations country singer who as recently made a blues album. She has an amazing voice.