Learn From Your Past Mistakes

                                                                      This morning I had a meeting with my counsellor. This meeting went in a different direction. Today the focus was on me. What do I need from a relationship. Why do I end relationships. Over the past 15 years I’ve had a number of relationships running parallel to my marriage. Some have been short term lasting a few months. Others more serious lasting years. My focus was to concentrate on the ones that lasted more than 6months. I do know I’m a people pleaser and I love to see people happy. Which in turn means I put my needs to the side. However that usually results in me eventually feeling I’m being used and neglected. If I feel I’m being neglected physically and emotionally, then I don’t feel cared for. This usually results in me starting to look for someone else to fill the void. Most of the time the guy im seeing has no idea I was dissatisfied with how things were and is never given the opportunity to try to fix things. Once my heart has informed my brain it’s over. Then it’s done. I don’t do second chances. They never work. I’ve at least learnt my lesson from my marriage on that score.  My last relationship before my current special friend ended for that exact reason. He had wanted to try swinging. Which is fine with me I don’t mind that. However the downside to that was that there was very little time for us. I felt like I was neglected since there was never any special time for me. His focus was never on me. So, I started seeing another guy. I told him after the fact I was seeing someone else and he was hurt. This resulted in a huge fight and he ended it. He apologized 4 days later, but it was too late. My heart had disengaged and my head taken over and I knew it was time to move on. I ended it with the other guy too and decided to start afresh. So, as my counsellor has pointed out my focus has to be in moving on to learn to express to a partner my needs. To make them aware I need verbal affirmation they care about me and that I need to be made to feel special so I can learn to push aside the feelings of being unwanted and unloved which stem from my childhood. Otherwise I’m likely to get myself into another abusive relationship. My heart mistaking controlling behaviour for love. I don’t think I’m likely to do that but I do realize that it’s a risk.

Oh What A Night

                                                                     Oh what a night. I’m still a little traumatized. I’m still smiling in work but I’m quiet. Everyone keeps asking me what’s wrong and I say im just tired. What happened last night was Doomsayer got angry really angry. He was really drunk and I stood up to him but I was really afraid. He’s been really nice to me the past few days. Not normal behaviour for him. So, I’d been trying to figure out what his angle was. Anyway I was in the kitchen last night and he starts trying to touch me, so I just moved away. Then he asks if I want to dress in stockings and a thong and he could give me a massage. I said no thank you. We haven’t had sex or slept in the same bed for 2years. Then he just exploded . I had my back against the kitchen counter and he had his hands on the counter either side of me so I couldn’t move. He just let rip with a torrent of abuse. His face was so close to mine I could feel his breath and spit on my face. I could feel my hands shaking and I was biting my inside lip trying not to cry. But, I managed to keep my outer composure and told him to take his hands off me.  He moved away and went to pour himself a drink and I took the opportunity to go lock myself in the bathroom. I sat on the floor in the bathroom with my face in a towel . Using the towel to both muffle my crying and to breath into to steady my breathing.  Once I felt calm I left the bathroom and went into the living room and sat on the sofa he was sat on the other. He never spoke to me but I could hear him muttering to himself calling me a fucking bitch. I forced myself to sit there for an hour I don’t want him to think I’m afraid of him. Lying in bed later all this stuff is going through my head. Why didn’t I knee him in the balls or try to headbutt him. But, that was all after thoughts and in reality I’m not into physical confrontation.

My Journey Through Life

                                                                    The title of my post will have special meaning to db .                                                                 I have been pondering on a few things of late. I’m wondering how many friends I will have left once I finally leave my husband.I wonder how many are true friends who will be there for me and how many will use the opportunity to gossip and tear me to pieces behind my back. I don’t feel it necessary to defend any of my choices over the past few years. I have made them to get through life and to have some happiness. But, moving onto the next stage of my life I want to be true to who I am. I don’t want to hide who I am. So, if on this train ride called life people want to disembark when I proceed to my next journey that’s all good. I’m making this decision for me,  if I have to do it alone then I can do it. With the help of my counsellor I’ve   rediscovered my inner strength. I only want people in my life who love and care about me. A couple of things the counsellor has taught me I have been using mentally on a daily basis. Someone will be mad at you if you do or don’t do something. So, just do what you want.                                                             Your decisions are only for today. Tomorrow you can change your mind. So, you can choose to be in a situation today and tomorrow choose to leave it. 

New Year, New Me

                                                                    Happy New Year, Happy New Me. I’m happy to say im still here and gaining in strength and confidence. New Years Eve I went to an evening wedding with Doomsayer. It was his friends wedding not mine. He got extremely drunk. So, drunk in fact he passed out on the floor just after the speeches and before the meal. I had to get help to carry him to the car. I couldn’t get the seatbelt on him. So , I gave up and drove home with it off. I managed to get him into the house and left him at the bottom of the stairs while I went to put my things on the table upstairs. In the meantime he tried to walk upstairs and fell backwards  down the stairs breaking a small table and picture. My son heard the crash and came upstairs. I was debating if I should call an ambulance. But, my son who luckily is a big strong guy, lifted him up and threw him over his shoulder and carried him up to his room. I helped him undress him and we put him to bed. It was now 10pm. So, thinking why should I spend yet another New Years Eve alone . So, I sent a text to my special friend to see if he wanted company. I figured if he was busy I’d go back to the wedding. I definitely was not going to sit there alone. This is the start of my New Year, New me and I wanted to start it as I plan to go on having fun. As luck would have it my special friend was home alone so I went over and spent the evening with him. I was really tired the next day since I only got 2 hours sleep before work. But, I was feeling very warm and floaty after a lovely night with him. So, that carried me threw the day.