This morning I had a meeting with my counsellor. This meeting went in a different direction. Today the focus was on me. What do I need from a relationship. Why do I end relationships. Over the past 15 years I’ve had a number of relationships running parallel to my marriage. Some have been short term lasting a few months. Others more serious lasting years. My focus was to concentrate on the ones that lasted more than 6months. I do know I’m a people pleaser and I love to see people happy. Which in turn means I put my needs to the side. However that usually results in me eventually feeling I’m being used and neglected. If I feel I’m being neglected physically and emotionally, then I don’t feel cared for. This usually results in me starting to look for someone else to fill the void. Most of the time the guy im seeing has no idea I was dissatisfied with how things were and is never given the opportunity to try to fix things. Once my heart has informed my brain it’s over. Then it’s done. I don’t do second chances. They never work. I’ve at least learnt my lesson from my marriage on that score. My last relationship before my current special friend ended for that exact reason. He had wanted to try swinging. Which is fine with me I don’t mind that. However the downside to that was that there was very little time for us. I felt like I was neglected since there was never any special time for me. His focus was never on me. So, I started seeing another guy. I told him after the fact I was seeing someone else and he was hurt. This resulted in a huge fight and he ended it. He apologized 4 days later, but it was too late. My heart had disengaged and my head taken over and I knew it was time to move on. I ended it with the other guy too and decided to start afresh. So, as my counsellor has pointed out my focus has to be in moving on to learn to express to a partner my needs. To make them aware I need verbal affirmation they care about me and that I need to be made to feel special so I can learn to push aside the feelings of being unwanted and unloved which stem from my childhood. Otherwise I’m likely to get myself into another abusive relationship. My heart mistaking controlling behaviour for love. I don’t think I’m likely to do that but I do realize that it’s a risk.
Monday, 15 January 2018
Learn From Your Past Mistakes
This morning I had a meeting with my counsellor. This meeting went in a different direction. Today the focus was on me. What do I need from a relationship. Why do I end relationships. Over the past 15 years I’ve had a number of relationships running parallel to my marriage. Some have been short term lasting a few months. Others more serious lasting years. My focus was to concentrate on the ones that lasted more than 6months. I do know I’m a people pleaser and I love to see people happy. Which in turn means I put my needs to the side. However that usually results in me eventually feeling I’m being used and neglected. If I feel I’m being neglected physically and emotionally, then I don’t feel cared for. This usually results in me starting to look for someone else to fill the void. Most of the time the guy im seeing has no idea I was dissatisfied with how things were and is never given the opportunity to try to fix things. Once my heart has informed my brain it’s over. Then it’s done. I don’t do second chances. They never work. I’ve at least learnt my lesson from my marriage on that score. My last relationship before my current special friend ended for that exact reason. He had wanted to try swinging. Which is fine with me I don’t mind that. However the downside to that was that there was very little time for us. I felt like I was neglected since there was never any special time for me. His focus was never on me. So, I started seeing another guy. I told him after the fact I was seeing someone else and he was hurt. This resulted in a huge fight and he ended it. He apologized 4 days later, but it was too late. My heart had disengaged and my head taken over and I knew it was time to move on. I ended it with the other guy too and decided to start afresh. So, as my counsellor has pointed out my focus has to be in moving on to learn to express to a partner my needs. To make them aware I need verbal affirmation they care about me and that I need to be made to feel special so I can learn to push aside the feelings of being unwanted and unloved which stem from my childhood. Otherwise I’m likely to get myself into another abusive relationship. My heart mistaking controlling behaviour for love. I don’t think I’m likely to do that but I do realize that it’s a risk.
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