Walking up the hill backwards

It’s been a long time since I wrote and so much has happened. Sometimes I feel like I’m a stranger looking in on my life and wondering where it’s going. The books say people get depressed and struggle with trying to deal with two life changing events in their lives. Right now I have five all running simultaneously. I feel like I’ve lost control and just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping I’m going in the right direction. I’m usually a really positive person but right now I’m struggling with feelings of failure and inadequacy. I don’t regret my decision to leave my husband and file for divorce. That was something I should of done a long time ago. But, then I was in a motorcycle accident and broke my back. So, now I have a serious injury, no way to work. Not knowing if I’ll be physically able to do my job ever again and not knowing when my next money is coming from. Today I also filed my bankruptcy papers. More humiliation to pile on my shoulders . But since I have no money and no way to pay anything then I have no other options. A former family friend when they heard of my demise a few days ago wrote and told me I was just getting what I deserve and karma is a bitch. Well actually they said a lot more than that and none of it nice. It didn’t help that a few hours later K tells me he’s talking to a woman and wants to get together for a three some. Normally I would love to. But, right now I physically can’t. So, then I get upset with him for making me feel like I’m totally useless and inadequate in bed. Then I start thinking he’s probably only with me because he feels responsible for me after the accident. So, then I start thinking I should probably leave and let him get on with his life and stop being a burden. A dramatic response I know but I wasn’t thinking so rational at the time. It just felt at the time the one person I thought I could depend on was deserting me too. More karma to stuff down my throat. I’ve also decided to move in with K. I gave my months notice yesterday to my landlord. Your probably wondering why after my response the other day. Well we did talk about it. Or rather he had to force it out of me. If I’m upset or hurt I retreat internally to my safe place. Something I learnt to do as a child so I wouldn’t give my mother the satisfaction of knowing she was hurting me. However as an adult it also makes it hard for me to tell people they are hurting me. But after our chat I feel confident he loves me and isn’t with me because he feels guilty. I’ve decided to trust he won’t hurt me and move in with him. So, now it’s back to putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my fingers crossed that I’m going where I’m supposed to be.